Have you ever done something so incredibly embarrassing that just thinking about it makes you want to rocket up and out of the Matrix mainframe so you can ideally delete yourself from the existence of time and space?
Let’s take a journey together. A journey back to the messy year that was 2012.
Let me tell you right now that I am in a happily committed relationship with a ✨GIRL✨, and that only makes this more painful to recount.
I wrote a big long open letter to the world about the religious community in which I was raised and how it really f**ked me up emotionally and in terms of my self-esteem and sexuality, but it’s currently sitting idly in Cosmo’s email inbox waiting to maybe, hopefully, be published– like, someday. So. Maybe one day it’ll be visible to the light of day. For the time being though, let me give you the abridged version:
I was raised thinking I wouldn’t amount to anything unless I got married and had babies AS SOON AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE. And so, when any traditionally-attractive man would give me the time of day, I would fall head over heels for him, imagining our lives together with our ten kids and nice house. (LAUGHS FOREVER)
I met James in our psychology class. He was cool, and charismatic, and smart, and funny, and he made me feel nice and like I was an interesting person. In the end, he was actually just a very social person who probably felt bad for me or something, but needless to say, I can’t honestly state that he’s an actual decent person anymore after the way everything ended between us. I spent all of my emotional energy trying to impress him, but it was never enough, and so into the depression pit I tumbled. God, I hated 2012.
During these classes when he’d sit next to me, we’d spend a lot of time doodling together. He wanted to learn how to draw ~anime~, so I’d show him some stuff. He was always really impressed with my sick skills, for whatever reason, and I spent most of every lecture drawing chibis on his arms.
Not this chibi
And so, when his birthday came around, I knew exactly what I wanted to do for him. By this point, I felt like we had a pretty strong rapport, we were friendly, and I was desperate for him to fall in love with me following one big grand gesture, or whatever.
I also am just the best at gifts, so, what can I say.
I did what any other weebass victim of the cupid’s sparrow would do: I composed an entire How to Draw Manga book for him, everything drawn by me, everything written by me. And then, I printed all of the pages out and bound them together into an actual, physical book. On one side, wowie wow wow, what a great gift! On the other hand though, damn girl, you thirsty for this pasty ass white boy.
Needless to say, he and I didn’t end up together. And honestly thank god, because soon after, he was married with a kid on the way. Hooooo boy. I’ll stick to my scary-cute gf, thnks.
If you really want to see the entire thing in it’s entirety, I guess I’ll upload it. (Honestly, should I be charging for this? There’s some hella advice in here. That 2012 art though, yikes. If you want to see where I stand now, hit up my art tumblr or my deviantart.)
🌈Happy glad-to-be-gay Valentine’s Day, everybody🌈